Unsolicited Advice
Disclaimer: In this post pointing out the problems with unsolicited advice, I take a turn giving unsolicited advice. Oh, the irony! If you do not want it, this is your out.
On a mountain bike ride today with friends, my girlfriend and I were making our way up a climbing trail to meet the rest of our group. As we approached the trail junction where others waited, I shared with my friend that one of the skills I haven’t quite gotten the hang of is standing in the saddle on the uphills. I said it’s something I need to practice more because it isn’t natural for me, and it’s hard to motivate when you feel stronger doing things another way.
At the junction, I got off my bike to take a break and chat with the rest of our group when an older stranger who was not part of our group but had been riding ahead of me on the climb said, “To stand up on a climb, you…..” He apparently heard my comments and proceeded to give me unsolicited advice.
Before continuing, I want to note I have been biking and hiking solo for years, and it is not uncommon for an older man on the trail to give me unsolicited advice or ask questions to check my readiness. This happens, and I tend not to get uptight about it. While in some cases gender stereotypes are a factor, I also think there are people who give advice to anyone. It’s part of their way of conversing with the world. They feel they are being helpful. Plus we are all in nature together, looking out for one another. If something in my set up looks dangerous, or if there are changes in conditions ahead I need to be aware of, then by all means, let me know what’s up. When I’m alone, I welcome interaction to check in and make sure I have what I need. I believe that people’s intentions are generally good, and I can roll with others’ best attempts at communicating care, as I hope they will with mine (because I certainly get it wrong too). But I saw today’s encounter differently.
The stranger continued, “My wife is a mountain bike coach for other women. She tells them you have to get your tits over the bar.”
There’s lots to address with this statement, but first let me note that in these situations, I am a person whose default is to wrap things up politely and leave the interaction as soon as possible. Some would say, “If you don’t like something, say something.” Sure. Sometimes I do. But that takes emotional labor that I am not always up for, and today in front of the friends, children, and strangers assembled, I didn’t feel like explaining that I am also a mountain bike coach. I didn’t feel like explaining I have been riding for 20+ years. I didn’t feel like explaining I have ridden this trail more than once. I didn’t feel like explaining I know the technique he is describing and that I was just sharing weakness with a friend in a conversation he wasn’t part of. I didn’t feel like explaining my tits are none of his business. I didn’t feel like explaining anything. So I ended the encounter with a smile and moved on.
There are several issues here. Giving unsolicited advice is one, but that statement shows he is either oblivious or apathetic to the current conversations around DEI. Neither is ok.
“….you have to get your tits over the bar.”
He had the entire English language at his disposal. He didn’t have to say “tits” to me. In fairness, if he was talking to a guy about body position, maybe he would say, “You have to get your balls towards the bar,” but I doubt it. He could have just said, “What works for me is to shift my weight forward and get my chest over the bar.” So many ways to explain what he meant, and I would have walked away thinking, “Yeah, I didn’t ask, but he meant well.”
By saying “my wife says this to women,” he implied, “so it’s ok for me to say this to women.” Wrong. He is not his wife. He is not a woman coaching other women in an all female space they selected into. It’s akin to people saying “my (insert marginalized group) friend says _____ so…” Knowing other people who say a thing doesn’t give you license to say the thing.
If a woman on the trail gave me this same unsolicited advice would I feel this way? Yes to the annoyance of not asking if I wanted it first but no to her use of “tits.” It’s different, and in 2022, it’s on each of us to educate ourselves on understanding why.
This wasn’t the only time this stranger chimed in on my day. Later when we were further up the climb, I was talking to my friend about where our main descent would start, and to add some optimism I said, “It’s all the downhill there!” He was further up the road, heard me, and said, “Until it’s uphill!” Dude. Stop. I knew what he was referring to…and we would climb again, but I was focusing on the fun moment to come.
Recently, a female rider posted on a forum for this same riding area to address getting unsolicited advice from men on the trail. Her issue was not their goal to help but the manner in which these interactions went down, including someone asking her if he could give her advice, her saying “no,” and him proceeding to give her advice. She was open and honest about the experiences of women in these male dominated spaces and was trying to bring some awareness around things she encounters regularly. The vast majority of the comments on the thread were from supportive men. But as expected, there were some who felt it was an overreaction. Just get good, outride the dude, and don’t worry about it.
So I am going to take a turn and give my own unsolicited advice. If you want to offer a helpful tip to someone, simply ask if you can offer a helpful tip. If they say yes, do so in a culturally responsible manner. If you can’t do that, if you don’t think you should have to do that, or if they say no, don’t offer the helpful tip. That’s it.
When I reached the summit of the climb, my husband who was also on the ride acknowledged that I was kind to the stranger at the junction. My husband understood it all (bless him!). We processed it while shaking our heads. Funny enough, the stranger didn’t make it up to the summit with me. Must have split off early to head down. Hope he sustained a good attack position the whole way.
